"I am truly sorry. I shouldn't have suspected you nor asked you things like that."
Both of us kept quiet for sometime. Her half an hour long narration shocked me and drove words out of my mind. She was silent too. She still sat upright beside me.
She looked at me and asked, "Do you still want me?"
Her eyes were blank. A sign of defeat and hopelessness was all I can sense. I stared into those blank eyes and think hard, not knowing what to think or what to say. Her background was complex and difficult to accept. I did not know if we can carry this through together too. I just did not know what to do.
I love her. But yet I was afraid of what had happened. I was afraid that the past would catch up with the present. I was afraid of what other people would say about us if we carry on. I was afraid of what her last boyfriend's stepsister would think and do. Will she accept the fact that her stepbrother's lover is in someone else's arms in just a mere four months?
Besides, I had hoped that my girlfriend would be a 'pure' girl. I do not mind about past relationships but she had already given herself to two other guys. I blamed her for being too liberal. But then, am I any better? I had sex before with my first love too although we were still virgins. I debated for a long time. I know she loved me very much as she had put her own future in my hands by telling me her deepest secrets. I am glad that she was frank with me. I really grateful that she did not hide anything from me.
So many odds were against us. The heavens seemed to be smiling on me just a few hours ago. They seemed to be spitting and cursing me then. Her gaze was still fixed on me. She was still waiting for my reply. I knew what I was about to say will change both of our future. I had planned to tell her I want her, I need her and I love her. I turned and met her gaze but she spoke first.
"Min, don't pity me. If you are going say 'yes' to make me feel better, please don't. Both of us will not be happy together. I think its better that we put everything on hold first and see how things will work out. Let time be a test of our real love for one another. But remember...I do love you. There is always a special place for you in my heart. You know my feelings towards you. You make the decision, sometime later."
My heart sank. How could she say that? She might have no confidence in the future but at least let us fight this battle together. On the other hand, this might seems be a better solution. I agreed to her suggestion. Perhaps time will be a better judge than ourselves.
Three weeks had passed since we last talked to one another. We still say 'Hi' but we neither talk face to face nor on vax. Schoolwork also became heavier and heavier. It was a strange feeling altogether to be alone again except for Ken's company during school hours. During that two weeks Ken was very supportive. He did not know why we decided to put everything on hold. He offered to help but can he help? He got himself a girl from Arts that he met in his CCA. She was quite good too. She also offered to help but Ken had asked her to join her friends because he wanted to be with me during this difficult time. I was very grateful to both of them.
She did not say how long we must wait. She just said we put everything on hold. I know I couldn't wait any longer. I just need her badly because I love her very much. Every now and then she would just pop up from my mind whenever my mind is wondering. I thought of her on bus. I thought of her in between the lecturer's pauses. I thought of her while brushing my teeth. I thought of her while trying to sleep at night. I just can't concentrate on my work or anything I was doing. Life became so unbearable without her.
I decided to talk to her face to face. I know where she usually goes after lesson, an obscure corner in the Central Library. I had made up my mind to tell her I need her and I love her. The internal shuttle service journey just did not seem fast enough. I hope the bus driver would just hurry up and get to Central quickly. Can't he understand I am going to tell her I love her and I want her? If only the driver knew. I alighted at Central and ran towards the Central Library.
I took two to three steps at a time up the spiral staircase. I just can't wait to tell her the good news. I saw her studying alone at the same old place that we used to study together. I walked quietly behind her and hugged her from the back. My lips moved just in time to stop her mouth from letting out a scream and stole a quick kiss.
"Lisa, I can't live without you. I want you. Please back come to me. I love you." Her shock statement puzzled me.
I thought she should be very happy to be with me. Before I can ask her anything a hand patted on my shoulders.
"Hey, why do you kiss my girlfriend?" I spun around and saw a big guy behind me.
He was half a head taller and quite muscular. He was quite tanned too. I was shocked. Why is he talking like that?
"Excuse me guys. Let me explain." Lisa said hurriedly.
"Min, this is Roger. Roger, meet Min. Min is the guy I was with for the past 3 months and Roger is my first boyfriend."
I was even shocked this time. What had happened? Is everything and everybody going crazy?
"Lisa, I demand to know what is happening. Would you mind explaining?" I asked angrily.
"Roger, please leave us for a moment. I'll join you...no, I'll meet you in your car later. Wait for me there." Roger went away but before he did he gave me the do-anything-funny-or-else-I'll-bash-you-up kind of look. That did not scare me at all until I recalled that he was a rugby player.
"Min. I hope you will forgive me. Yes I still love him. I had always loved him. I had given him my virginity. He is my first love, can't you see? My first love!"
My heart just shattered into a million pieces. I sat there not knowing what to do. Everything just did not look right. I just couldn't believe what was just said by someone I love so much.
"I love you too. I always will. I said you will always have a special place in my heart. You certainly will have." she consoled me.
" See, Roger came to me about a week after we stop seeing one another. He was a very shattered man. He changed into a sloppy and defeated person. He told me his girlfriend dumped him after both of them got into U. Her rich girlfriend went to NTI and got herself another boyfriend. Roger didn't have to serve NS as he is an Indonesian."
"So you are together with him because he is a rich Indonesian guy?"
"No! He pleaded with me to go back to him but I refused initially. He was so adamant that he followed me with his car all the way home. Dad persuaded me to tell him off when he stood outside our door. I knew I cannot talk or see him in the eyes because I know still love him. I know what first words to him will be. He just didn't leave until way past dinner at
"So what? I can do just that!" I retorted.
"Just listen Min. Our neighbor kept looking at him and us. Upon Dad's urging, I finally brought him some cold food and he ate so heartily. His eyes lit up and his face so radiant. I was so touched. I mean, he did that all for me. I can see straight away that his love for me has not died yet. He still loves me after all. I just felt that I can forgive everything that he did to me. After all, those were history already. No point finger pointing and accusing one another anymore." Lisa eyes were quite excited now.
She was oblivion to my sorrow and anger.
"I invited him in that night. Dad and mom were touched too. Little sis even said he is in love with me. I was so happy then. I never felt so supported by my family before. Dad invited him to stay overnight which he did. I don't know why but Dad suddenly became so approving of Roger. Perhaps Dad remembered that Roger was my first love and Dad didn't know about you. Anyway, I thought I might just let everything go step by step."
"You mean you forgot about me and all those you said just three weeks ago?" I asked accusingly.
"Remember what you said to me?"
"No I did not forget. But you must see Min. Do you know that in that two weeks I experienced love that I never felt before? Do you know that I felt like we are both falling in love again just like two years ago? I can never forget that feeling. It cannot be relived. Roger changed completely. He became neat and tidy again. He started exercising again. But most of all he became a very happy man again. He changed because me of. Do you see?"
I knew I lost her forever. Nothing I can say or do canbring her back. I just lost my love. In a short three months plus, I had loved and lost love.
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